- 2019 -

Hello! (its been a 100 years 😅)

Almost 4 months of 2020 is gone and I finally decide to show up with a throwback post to 2019. I was contemplating on whether or not to post this or to jump straight ahead into my other posts but then thought to post it. I wanted to do something like last year where I got a bunch of memorable photos of the year but I couldnt find much. Like yes I had a lot of photos (mostly of food and the sky) but it didnt capture the essence of 2019 ?? (idk what I am saying). anyways I just decided to type it out in words about how my year went.

I was a second year student at uni and about to turn 20 when I began this year. I thought that this year would be a year of change and it was the kind of change that I wasnt expecting at all. Beginning of the year I realized that I wasnt going anywhere with my writing, my story felt flat and whatever I wrote didnt make me fell happy or proud of it. I stopped finishing a novel I was working on (even though I had a few more chapters to the end) and I stopped writing altogether. I think it took a toll on me. Stopping something that used to bring me happiness. Even though I felt dissappointed with my work, it was still something that I did alot. It was a part of me since I was child and to put a stop to it was something insane. The fact that I didnt write anything (phrases, paragraphs, something, anything) at all kinda amazes me and saddens me at the same time. A whole year, gone.

But something positive happened, in the middle of my first semester (after years of trying) we finally got the visa to go to New Zealand!! We have relatives there and we have been trying to go there for awhile and we finally did for like 3 weeks! Those 3 weeks were amazing. I loved my time there, the places we explored, the food and the scenes. like wow! I never wanted to leave but obviously eventually we had to. I wish one day I will be able to live there (even if its just for a short period of time). Coming back home and somehow getting through the jet lag and catching up on uni work was a bit hard but I had some wonderful friends who helped me along the way.

In April we had a family trip to Nuwara Eliya, a last minute decision (i remember the hours spent on trying to find a decent place for like four families). We eventually got it and it was a fun trip. We had BBQ and loong chats with everyone. And then obviously came the tragedy. The easter attacks. It was such a shock, a normal morning turned upside down when I saw an instagram story of a church being bombed. And then more news flooding in whatsapp asking if everyone is safe and more bombings. It was a dark day. For a few days it was all grief and mourning. then the speculations and finger pointings and the stupid decisions began. People rioting, internet shutdowns and curfews. It was an insane few weeks till our next semester began. The second semester was a bit shaky, not many people came on the first few days but soon it began to die down. Yes the loss is irreplaceable, what happened is unimainable, but it happened and the rest of us had to move on, just as the sun rises and sets. just as the world keeps spinning.

The second semester had a lot of fun stuff in store I guess. We had a talent show and a college trip. It was some fun stuff. I learned a lot more about my college friends and batch mates. I mean usually we are just seated there in class and not interacting much but this was a different experience.

Throughout all of this one of the most jarring realizations that I had was how little I saw my school friends. Like my close ones. This is something I am going to be writing about on here because it was something that did affect me throughout last year. How much i wanted to keep the relationship going but it wasnt working out. I was only close to one of them, someone who i always messaged even though she was 5000 miles away. It felt like everyone was in a different country even though they were all close to home. It messed up with me because I wanted this all to work. I mean they were my close friends after all. but I guess it didnt really. I had a lot of constant depressing thoughts and stuff that happened towards the end of the year kind of broke me too. I had a hard time trying to overcome everything mentally, posting fun stuff online and trying to smile at college, it was easy to fake. Hard to keep it up. But I got through it I guess. I mean I am here arent I.

Another thing that was huge last year was the final semester of absolute nothingness. It was supposed to be a placement but we literally had nothing to do apart from the exhibition (this was a lot of work and stress that I do not want to go back to). And I read a lot during this time because 8 to 5 and I might as well use that time right. I also started my final year a semester early (in retrospect is a good decision).

Basically to sum it all up I had a sort of good mostly shitty year. I was depressed (not clinically diagnosed, am using this word as an emotion; extreme sadness) most of the time and tired the other times. But I got through it and I feel like this year hasnt become totally horrible so far (apart from COVID-19 going on a world tour). we shall see. cause we are all trying to make the best of times right now and staying safe and alive. Hope you all are too. Take care.