How it feels : Writing

One of the things that has been constant in my life ever since I was little was writing. Not just big novels but little short stories and essays too. Writing has always been there for me. When I am sad, happy, angry or confused. It has been there for through it all.

source : pinterest

When I first started writing my very first novel (a huge applause for those who remember 'Murder House') I never thought that writing would mean so much to me. I just wrote whatever came to mind. All the plots and the character creating was really fun and it became something that I did almost every day. And from then on wards it became second nature to me to get new plot ideas and form new characters from nothing.

source : pinterest

Everywhere became my happy place as long as I had a notebook and a pen. My school life which at that time was not so very great became bearable. I had gone through some very tough friendships at that time. I was never the same. I couldn't trust anyone and I thought that I was doomed to live alone (honestly. it ain't funny) And so you can understand why writing was something that was very important to me.

And even though it was important to me not many people knew that I wrote. It was months before my friend found out and a year later my family got to know. It was because I am a very insecure person. I would always compare my writing to other writers and also my friends who wrote too.

source : pinterest

Slowly the stories I wrote never became good enough. I started to lose the fun I had while I wrote. I started to think that my stories were always worthless. Added to that I had just started writing on Wattpad too but ended up taking all my stories down just because I have read better written stories on there.  Sometimes because of those insecurities I would feel jealous of the people who I thought had better writing skills than me. And so sometimes just to make myself feel good I would try to put down others work too. I have never been more ashamed.

source : pinterest

It didnt help that I was always taunted for writing by someone very dear to me. She would always see me writing and say 'Oh so copying another story off the internet?' or 'Why are you just scribbling rubbish. come help me with something more useful' or 'I wish you learnt how to dress up properly like a girl instead of writing nonsense'. It always broke me inside when I heard those comments. There were days where I would cry to Allah asking why give me something that I would never be perfect in. I would beg Allah to take it away from me because I didnt want to feel like this anymore. Like I was worthless. Like I couldnt do anything right. My moods became bad. I would cry every night. I would randomly snap at people for no reason. My already horrible temper became worse.


I was a mess.

And it took me a long long time to get over my insecuritites.

source : pinterest

But what made it all bad was what made it all good again. Gradually as I grew up I started to understand that perfection was not everything. That its okay if your work sucks because that only makes room for more improvement. And so writing once again became something that I loved to do and have fun while doing so. And I have published a book 🙌 and been writing on Wattpad now too and it makes me incredibly happy to see people enjoying my stories.

I havent really improved in my writing as much as I wanted it to and I still have a long way to go before my writing can be considered awesome sauce 😉 and there are times where I feel the insecurities creeping up on me but I can proudly say that I can stand up for myself and say that everyone has flaws and nobody is perfect. Its what makes us human anyways.

source : pinterest

And so, in conclusion, writing isn't just my hobby or my passion. It ain't just my career either. It's also my saving grace.