It's been awhile - a thought spiral

30.12.21

Hello.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Every time I think I have gotten a hang of blogging and think I'll be doing it more consistently, I end up disappearing. I was in a slump and didn't feel like doing anything, to be honest. I think I spent most of my time in bed, thinking and overthinking about life. dredging up past memories that should have been forgotten. The thing is I like living in the past, more than in the present. It's a dangerous thing I know but I have no idea how to stop it. I feel a bit better now. I finished the first draft of a book I had been writing for the past 16 months. And I have started planning for the rewriting of OSN. I was initially planning on simply editing a rewritten version of the story but when I reread it, I realized that it's better to just rewrite the whole thing. 

10.02.22

Hello again. 

The previous paragraph was from a month ago trying to explain why I can't be consistent with anything. To be honest I have never been consistent with anything in my life apart from writing. True, I write 500 words take a break for a few weeks and then write like 5k in 2 hours. but it has always been something I have done for a really long time. That is until I stopped writing somewhere around 2019. and while I did start to write again in 2020 about a year and a half later, I find myself still struggling with it. there are the good days when I feel like I am happy with what I write and it's not as bad and then there are the bad days where I wonder why I can't tell any story right. There are mostly bad days.

I am trying to figure out what made writing so special to me in the first place. Maybe then I might have a reason to keep going but I can't find anything other than the fact that I enjoyed it. I loved writing my stories. whether it was grammatically incorrect (messed up tenses galore!) or too long a sentence (I do not know how to use commas) or even if it was too silly to be true, I loved to write. And I know I still love to write so why cant I anymore? 

The words dont flow as easily as it used to, its all there in my head but when I try to type it out or put it on paper, poof gone! It gets very frustrating when this happens and then I simply give up on my wip at that point. The book I was writing before this (titled 'Bruised Souls') was a story I wanted to tell with all my heart. It was supposed to be this beautiful and tragic story about three women and all that they go through in life. What it ended up being was a hot mess. 

15.02.22

Um hello. lol. I forgot to finish the previous post and now its been five days already !! Anyways, continuing from where we left off, which I cant remember exactly what I wanted to say was but the bottom line is that I struggle with my writing. A lot. I love my stories just not the way I write them. I realized that this shouldn't be the reason I give up on something that I love so much. So I am going to try writing the stories and keep improving on my writing as much as I can. Will this mindset stay with me forever, probably not lol. but I am going to try.

I am also going to try blogging. I have changed the format once again because the previous one, while it was nice I just couldn't get the posts to change fonts and stuff. I was using a template from a different website. So for this one I chose a template from blogger itself, something I haven't done in years. But its a lot easier anyways. Here's to a more fun and loving year.